For the first several years of Rachel's life we maintained a Costco membership. There are only three of us, but it was great for diapers, quick dinners, new books and movies, and thousands of other random and wonderful things.
For the first few years after the seizures started we kept the membership, but didn't shop nearly as much. We mostly used Costco for gas and maybe grabbing something for dinner. Eventually, we were forced to stop shopping there because Rachel couldn't tolerate being there. By the time we'd get to the back of the warehouse, she'd be starting to feel dizzy, and we had more than one instance in which we had to leave a loaded cart and bail out of the store, hoping to outrun the panic attack or seizure that was building.
The very last time I remember shopping at Costco with Rachel, we were actually in line and she collapsed, crying, drooling, completely limp, and totally blocking both foot and cart traffic, right in front of the cash registers. We decided that shopping at Costco was no longer worth the risk, and let our membership lapse.
We had similar issues with Walmart, but at least you don't have to pay for the privilege of shopping there, and it's easier to get in and out quickly, in the event of an emergency. Still, there were many trips to Walmart that ended with me waiting in line to pay for groceries, and Brett taking Rachel out to the car, in hopes of helping her calm down.
Over the last couple of years shopping at Walmart has become much more commonplace, and much less stressful. Rachel almost never mentions being dizzy, or overwhelmed, and I don't feel quite so much like I'm rushing to get what I need, just in case I have to get out of there in a hurry.
We started thinking that maybe, just maybe, Rachel would be able to tolerate Costco again, so when Costco announced they were now accepting Visa credit cards, we decided to give it a go.
*Cue the maternal angst*
Rachel kept assuring me that she'd be fine, and really wanted to try shopping at Costco again. We shopped at Costco today, for the first time in at least 5 years. It was busy, and crowded, and the parking was hellish. I had to walk down the side of the building in order to get a cart, and then Rachel insisted on checking every type of fruit they carry. We cruised the freezers, meat section, books and movies, and by then we were back toward the front of the store, and I asked if Rachel was ready to go. She said that yes, she was finished, but looked good and wasn't flushed or biting her lips, so I figured she was probably okay.
We got in line, and Rachel asked if she could go get a smoothie, which was something she had always done at the end of our shopping trip. I was almost checked out when Rach reappeared, handing me my change and happily sipping her drink. We made our way out of the store and got the car loaded up, the dog in the back seat, and the cart returned. I got into the driver's seat, turned to Rachel and asked how she was doing. She said "I only started to feel stressed when I got my drink, and then had to figure out where they put the straws, and when I turned around I didn't see you right away. But I'm fine now."
I took the first deep breath I'd had since we arrived at the store, and realized how big a shopping trip had become in my mind. Shopping used to be a mindless necessity. A chore. Boring, but necessary. Now it's a minefield of stressors, with too many people, too much noise, bright and sometimes flashing lights, conflicting scents and bright colors. I will probably never not be tense while shopping again.
I dream of a day when small, mundane chores can be taken for granted again.
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